rape victim: i want to die
man: hang in there
rape victim: thats what ill do, ill hang myself
When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.
See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.
So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.
So... here's da scoop, alright... *licks KFC off lips* so, I was caught, having sex wit three 6 year olds (girls btw, just in case you guys get mad) and da judge told me I was getting da death penalty, you know what I mean?
I had a last resort to save myself though, you feel me? So I told da judge, I said to him, I said: "Yo honah, 6 + 6 + 6 = 18, you smell me?"
Needless to say, I was announced a fre-e-e-e-e-e-e man after dat, you feel me?
But then, the Predator Poachers nigckas just barged into the courtroom and they said: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13!
Alas, I'm writing this joke from jail, and judging by the look my prisonmate Tyrone is giving me, I'll be writing jokes from hell from now on.
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!
Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
I was bullying stephen hawkings, I told him why not stand up for yourself.
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
When I found out that 10 billion bowls of soup are consumed each year in AMERICA, I thought to myself, "I thought soup was healthy. Apparently not!"
Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"
Friend #2: "Apples"
Me: "I can hang myself in them."
How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?
5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.
Why make a joke when I wake up and look at myself?
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
I hate my life.
Fake emo: when I’m sad i cut myself Real emo: same fake emo: another piece of cake
