Myself Jokes

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

Why do cats leave scratches on arms? They don't; I do it myself.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

My Dad: Son, history always repeats itself.

Me: So you're gonna leave me again?

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.

Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.

Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I see myself in them.

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

I downloaded Fruit Ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself.

What's the difference between MJ and myself?

Nothing at all.

Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.

Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of Amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.

I burnt down a whole forest and asked myself, "Is this hell?"

I was the person that flew into the Twin Towers. I have two friends that are both twins, and whenever they speak, I tell them to shut up because if they don't, I'll make myself explode in them.

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.