Myself jokes

I was making love to this girl, and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.

The emo kid said, "I wanna die." But the quiet kid said, "Nah, I'm gonna die myself, bye!"

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

Why do cats leave scratches on arms? They don't; I do it myself.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

My Dad: Son, history always repeats itself.

Me: So you're gonna leave me again?

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.

Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.

Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I see myself in them.

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

I downloaded Fruit Ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself.

What's the difference between MJ and myself?

Nothing at all.

Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.

Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.