Myself jokes

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I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.

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    • I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

    So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

    - Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

    - Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

    - Oh...that might actually be even easier.

    If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.

    I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

    So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

    I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

    I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

    Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

    Fake emo: when I’m sad, I cut myself.

    Real emo: same.

    Fake emo: another piece of cake.

    Remember the big forehead kid who said, "Give me a knife, I'm going to kill myself" because of being bullied?

    His head was too big to even exist, and that's why he's dead.

    Why is it okay to stab meat, but I can't stab myself? These woke lefties, BLM, Antifa, feminists, eco-warriors, pro-vaccine libtards are stopping your freedom and right to stab yourself!

    Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?

    Mom: You will make me kill myself.

    Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

    Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

    Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

    Some time later me fighting with my mom:

    Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

    Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

    Lesson?

    So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

    A guy starts chatting to a pretty woman at a party.

    Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"

    "No, I named myself," she answered.

    "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

    "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

    ‘BJ Titsngolf’

    I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

    And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

    I can’t wait for collage....

    5 min later, ight I’m gonna go kill myself.

    I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.