My jokes

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

I asked my dad what his previous job was. He said: "I was a post until I met your mother."

What’s the difference between my mom and the Twin Towers?

My mom got hit by two cars. The Twin Towers got hit by two planes.

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot for Pakistan.

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

I go 7u7. I said I go 7u7. Get Rick and rolled, my son.

What do Gay Men and Minorities have in common?

My dad hates them both!

I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”

He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"

Why did my dad bring a bomb vest to fit in with his Taliban brothers?

As ruler of a kingdom, I wanted a knight. Duke Leo Pessi IV offered himself but wanted a wife in return. I offered my beautiful daughter to him. However, he slapped her and proceeded to wreck my castle. All this whilst crying “I don’t want princess, I want farmer!”

DAMN YOU PESSI!

My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.

My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!

Dababy in my dickle trickle when eating my pickle.

Best friend makes joke about 9/11.

Me: My pop was a part of that!

Best friend: So sorry!

Me: My pop was the pilot of the plane, he flew through 89 floors.

If my son was a real man, I wouldn't have caught him fucking another man.

I like my COVID like I like my women: 19 and easy to spread.

Yo, hairline is as accurate as my jump shot.

What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.