My jokes

Me telling a depression and suicide joke in front of my friends.

My friends: ........ Oh wait, I don't have any, so nothing to worry about here.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.

I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.

Yo mama is so fat, that when I unfollowed her on Instagram, my phone got 1 GB of storage.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!

Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day... only cause I wanted my first time to be special.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.