My jokes

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.

My grandpa was amazing. He killed Hitler.

Website: Submit a joke :-)

Me: My life.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

Dentist: Open up, sir.

Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

Dentist: Do you need help??

Me: Yep.

Dentist: ...

Me: ....

I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.