My jokes

Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.

I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.

I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.

My grandpa was amazing. He killed Hitler.