My jokes
I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...
Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...
...I told him to lighten up.
The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.
My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered, "Happy."
The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.
My ex-wife still misses me...
BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Paris?
Dad: Because she was made there.
Son: Thanks, Dad.
Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.
My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.
I got my son a trampoline for his birthday.
The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the whole time.
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
I told my sister I was into incest. She took it really hard. 😉😏
Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
To the guy who stole my depression medication,
I hope you're happy.
You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."
I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.