My jokes
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...
There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."
My Dad: Son, history always repeats itself.
Me: So you're gonna leave me again?
My grief counselor died the other day.
He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.
Orphan: Favorite song?
My name:
I like my coffee like I like my women.
I love to decorate my room because it's a great way to express your heart, though I just remembered, my room is pretty black and empty...
Adopted kid:
Hey, Alex, what are you doing?
Alex:
Nothing, just playing my game. Anyways, you know you can call me "dad."
Adopted kid:
OK, dad Alex.
Alex:
Oh, come on! My game! I’m winning. Let’s go!
Adopted kid:
I’m so glad I have a mom.
Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.
I don't joke about 9/11 because I lost my dad. He was the best pilot I ever knew.
TRUE STORY!
X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.
I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!
Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!
What's the difference between my father and acne?
Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.
My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.
Why was Sonic fast?
To be rolling around at the speed of sound, got places to go, gotta follow my lead.
My Grandpa killed 30 Air Force pilots in WW2. He was a very bad mechanic.
"I fancy Hunter, my big sugar daddy," said the orphan, clearly lying.
I made this one up myself just now.
Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.
My buddy and I both wanted to marry a woman who happened to be an amputee.
Sadly, my buddy won her heart, but I got her leg.
Hi guys, so today I am going to do another blog. It's just for fun, and yeah. Enjoy!
So, this morning, when I woke up, I heard that I was getting new grips. I was so excited. (In case you guys don't know what grips are, they are sort of like gloves that go on your hands and they are for gymnastics bars.) I was excited because my old grips don't fit me anymore and my coach was like, "Oh I can get you some new ones since we have a meet in a week." And so I was like, "Oh, that's fine. My parents ordered me some. Thank you though." And she was like, "Okay, that's fine. Just make sure you have them by next week." So long story short, I have new grips now.