My jokes

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.

My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I answered, "Happy."

The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.

I told my sister I was into incest. She took it really hard. 😉😏

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

How do emos propose?

"Would you like to join my family tree?"

My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Paris?

Dad: Because she was made there.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.

A kid walks in late to class. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." Another kid walks in late to class, and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." The last kid walks in and the teacher says, "Why are you late?...and why are you wet?" and the kid says back, "Remember, my name is Pebbles!!"

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.

My grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology." I said, "We will see about that," and I unplugged his life support.

You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"