My jokes

What's similar between a pregnant 14 y/o girl and the foetus inside of her?

They both are thinking "My mom's gonna kill me!"

A father of a young girl comes to meet the doctor.

Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?

Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.

Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried!

A father of a young girl comes and meets the doctor.

Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?

Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.

Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried.

I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.

Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.

I put my fish on a leash so I could teach him to walk. Then I took him out for a walk. Then, when I put him back in the tank, he stopped moving.

Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.

I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

So I stayed at my friend's house for a few days, and I was like, "OMG, why?" So, I am going home because I’m going to my best friend's house.

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes.

Then it hit me.

What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

What’s my favorite Islamic Holiday... 9/11.

So my mom said, "Did you do your homework?" Well, I say yes, and in the hour, I yelled, "This is fake, not real!" 😅😅😅

Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.

I had a fun funeral / birthday.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.

So all his friends came in one car.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."