My jokes
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.
Me and my life.
Apparently, I'm a category for jokes now. Hmm... ok!
#HOMIEZ4Life
P.S. Say "crack my finger," now say it backwards :)
What's the difference between a T-Rex and your sister? I can't stick my dick in a dinosaur.
What happens when you search nudes on my phone?
Nothing, I don't have any.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?
You brighten my day.
There is a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking; at least one of them does something.
Suck my ass, guys!
I'm making a new movie, it's called "Veggie Tales." My star actor is Stephen Hawking.
When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:
Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.
I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.
Two sticks of butter walk into a butter bar. One says to the other, "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" He replies, "Sure, dis my butter from another utter."
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
No. Eat my butt!
So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"
If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.