My jokes

Roses are red, violets are black, I traded my son for 10 Big Macs.

Don't touch my bot.

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Penis enters my dad and sister.

My dad left me.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

Hey girl, are you a wizard? Because you cast lit in my Final Fantasy!

I got mad at my sister's boyfriend, so I fucked his girl.

Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.

My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

My mom walks in a bar and the bartender says "water?" saying "we only sell beer!"

Want to hear my pencil joke? Wait, I'm still writing it.

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

Why does my mum eat carrots?

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

At my sample place, I handed my wife a fork and I lost my job.

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!