My jokes
Ever wonder why pandas are endangered? Well, China's overcrowded, and therefore they're starving. They have to eat...
Panda: "My god. They're coming! Run! They're hungry! Run! Roll down the hill!"
Chinese People At Bottom Of Mountain With Spears: "Ching chong wing bong KABOB!!!"
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
I've never seen my dad since September 11. I wonder where he is...
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he is just Dav.
What do windows have in common with my wife's legs? They're easy to open.
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up.
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.
My friend thinks he is funny.
He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.
A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Big tits.
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.
Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...
When you say to your dad...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Dad be like...
Who wants my son?
Nan be like, "Me!"
Kid be like...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!
What are roux, says nan?
Um, they're your life savings!
Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"
Q: What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching?
A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.
"Hippity hoppity, don't abolish my property!"