My jokes

Q: What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching?

A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.

"Hippity hoppity, don't abolish my property!"

I'm bone dry in material, but I have a skeleTON of skeleton jokes. After I tell you all these rib ticklers, you will have a bone to pick with if you didn't find that funny, you outta rip my spine out.

I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!

My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.

The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

There's an orphan in my class... For some reason, he never leaves.

My dad and I have been playing hide and seek.

It's been 15 years and I still haven't found him.

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.

I am a reverse rapper because I put bars in my mouth.

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha

My kitchen was rearranged today. The tables have turned, and the steaks are higher.