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When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. I always knew she would come crawling back.

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    • My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my other girlfriend.

    My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

    My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

    According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

    Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

    The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

    Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

    Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.

    - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!

    Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

    Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

    The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

    I told my friend to watch Naruto. It's been a week since I've seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece.

    My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

    Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

    One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

    My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

    Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.