My Jokes

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

Q: What do you call an elephant that isn't important?

A: My sister.

MY NAME IS JEFFFFFFFF!

A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"

The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"

The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."

The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"

The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"

You’re so lame, you don’t have a superpower!

"Yah, I do!"

Oh yeah? What is it?

"My diaphragm contracts and moves downwards into my chest cavity and my lungs expand!"

That’s breathing, Jim.

"NO IT’S NOT, JACOB, YOU CAN’T PROVE IT!"

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

"Dumbest7" is my Xbox account. Hit me up.

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!