My jokes

My boy is so distracted and the kids are doing great. I will be make $500000.

My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

I was gonna clean my room

before I got high.

what's black and red and is a liquid?

my scars!

A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."

A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."

<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*

Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

I accidentally hit an orphan with my car, but I was not worried because he couldn’t tell his parents.

Shipmate: Captain, there’s an iceberg and we need to steer around it right now!

Captain: My momma didn’t raise no pussy. Either that iceberg is gonna move or I am.

A man came running into a hospital saying, "Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know I amputated your arms!"

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.

I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.

My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...

"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"

Why was I angry on my plane? Because I read these stupid 9/11 jokes.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

My friend and I joined a french fry eating contest, but I just couldn't ketchup. So we switched to cheeseburgers, but I still couldn't mustard up the speed to lettuce win. I mayo not have thought this through.

So we switched to fruits, but when it got to the watermelons, I started to feel a little green. My friend couldn't seed the point of us continuing anymore. I just couldn't digest the stress, I guess! :D

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"