My jokes

My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building, so he had a much better flying record.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N. Oh my gosh, I'm peeing on my shoe, no one knows about it yet!

My marriage was on the rocks, so I buried my wife under some.

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

My wife is not only gone like gonorrhea, she is also gone because of my (and now her) gonorrhea.

Over summer, I shot up my school and left a note saying, "I could have done this anytime!"

Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.

She’s so therapeutic.

When I need to cure my restlessness, I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your mom's breastestess!

Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

My owl turned 180 today.

He isn’t old, he just has a bad neck.

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

I just got a text on my cell. Bone be right back ;)

I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.

I just shed my pants.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

I heard my neighbors having sex, and it was annoying me, so I called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to go out, but when I called her, I heard my neighbors' phone ringing.

Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: If you sing the ABCs.

Boy: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNORSTUVWXYZ!

Teacher: Where’s the P?

Boy: In my pants! Lol. That’s all mates! Have a good day! (Or night)