My jokes
I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...
She was eaten by a giant crab.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
My sister asked where is my book.... me: "itti badi nak hai gufa jaisi dhund us mei."
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
The two biggest dyslexic guy lies: "My check is in your mouth," and "I won't come in your mailbox."
Poopies in my undies.
Why are you censoring my friend Franz? He's just making jokes, but you admins get offended too easily, f*cktards!
Why the f was my shooting joke removed? It was funny, and this is obviously a website for morbid humor. WTF, I mean, worstjokesever.com. Come on...
My dad is a pussy.
I complimented my neighbor's skeleton decoration for Halloween, but they just told me that it's their anorexic daughter.
Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?
Dad: Because you were made there.
Mum: We haven't been to Canada.
Dad: Hol' up a minute.
Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Paris?
Dad: Because she was made there.
Son: Thanks, Dad.
Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.
Girl: Mom, meet my boyfriend.
Mom: Meet my boyfriend.
Girl's boyfriend: Dad, is that you? Are you back from the supermarket with milk?
Mom's boyfriend: Uh, gtg.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.
Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."
Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"
There's nothing else that can beat up dog.
What's up, dog?
Just my depression!