It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
My Jokes
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?
“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
Wade, you're a joke. The worst joke.
Hoped this would be a safer, more fun place to talk to my BP friends, but I guess not.
I've also learned that some people think "worst jokes ever" = "terrible unfunny jokes that make light of people who died horribly or otherwise suffered" instead of things like "why did the chicken cross the road?"-type jokes.
Maybe I'm just too old at this point.
2023- my dad is a cop.
1800- my dad owns your dad.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
I wish the grass in my yard was emo. It could just cut itself.
Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.
The creator's son tried that!
(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)
What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.
I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
When people ask my age, this is what I do.
“🥱 I DON’T CARE.... ÆAHAHAHAHAHAÆAAÆ!”
