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My jokes

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

Oooh, I fall apart. Oooh, yeah, mmhmm. She told me that I'm not enough, yeah, And she left me with a broken heart, yeah. She fooled me twice and it's all my fault, yeah. She cut too deep, now she left me scarred, yeah. Now there's too many thoughts goin' through my brain, yeah, And now I'm takin' these shots like it's Novocaine, yeah. Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought Never caught a feelin' this hard Harder than the liquor I pour Tell me you don't want me no more But I can't let go Everybody told me so Feelin' like I sold my soul Devil in the form of a whore Devil in the form of a whore You said it No, you said it No, you said it We'd be together Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought Ice keep pourin' and the drink keep flowin' Try to brush it off but it keep on goin' Covered in scars and I can't help showin' Whippin' in the foreign and the tears keep blowin' Ice keep droppin' and the drink keep flowin' Try to brush it off but it keep on goin' All these scars, can't help from showin' Whippin' in the foreign and the tears keep blowin', yeah Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought.

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."

What does the plane that hit the Twin Towers and milk have in common?

My dad went to get both and never came back.

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

Why are emo jokes so infamous?

They cut deep.

Why isn’t the Moon Emo anymore?

Turns out it was just a phase.

How many emos like anagrams?

Some.

What do you call those who remain My Chemical Romance fans?

Emold.

What is the connection between Emos and Darth Vader?

They both dress in all black and none of them has a father.

What do you call flat-chested emo?

A cutting board.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who cares, let them cry in the dark.

Why did the emo kid leave the food on the table?

It was the Happy Meal.

Anthony went into the bakery and ordered Emo Cake.

“Emo cake?” says the baker. ”What exactly is it?”

Anthony says, “It’s the cake that cuts itself.”

How do you pull an emo from a tree?

Cut the rope.

What’s the similarity between emos and unsalted popcorn?

They’re both white and flavorless.

What do emo birds call their mouths?

Bleaks.

What do you call an obese emo teen?

An edgelord.

Recommended: Fat Jokes

What do you call a gang of emo kids?

Suicide Squad.

How are cats and emos different from one another?

The cat still has 8 other lives.

Why does emo get tattoos of fruits on their arms?

They are playing Fruit Ninja.

What will you call Sonic if he’s an emo?

Sonic the Edgy hog.

Why would the emo swallow a clock?

So he could wake up inside.

Why are Emos still around?

Because the suffering never ends.

What is the best way to get an emo off your balcony?

You encourage them.

What kind of bath bomb does an Emo prefer?

A toaster.

What is the favorite game of an emo?

Hangman.

Why do people wish their lawn grass was emo?

So it could cut itself.

A group of friends started an emo salsa band.

They call themselves HisPanic at the Disco.

What is the difference between pizza and emo pizza?

Emo pizza kind of cuts itself.

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

This is the song we all misunderstood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S0QhGGO1gQ

"He said, "One day, you'll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember." My father told me when I was just a child, "These are the nights that never die." My father told me."

Whenever I think about it deeply, it makes me wanna cry :(

There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.

I hope my teacher will be ok.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Please like this. I bet my friend 20 bucks that I would get to 15 likes before him.

*School shooting happens.*

Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk.*

American student: "First time?"

Foreign exchange student: "Yeah, you?"

American student: "Hahaha. No, not my first time."

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"