My jokes

Dude, people gotta stop letting 9/11 jokes fly around like bro, you're gonna make my brain explode!

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

Battery 1%.

I take one last look at Earth as my suit runs out of power.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

I shidded out my baby, then became a fish.

A Russian, a Brit, and a terrorist are in an air balloon.

First, the Russian says, "I dare to throw a stone down!" So he does that, but the others don't seem to be impressed. So the Brit says, "I dare to throw a brick down!" So again he does that, the Russian is impressed, but the terrorist laughs and says, "I dare to throw a bomb down!" So he does that and everybody can't believe what they have just seen. So a bit further, they land, and a shocked and afraid little boy comes running up to them. So they ask what happened, on which the little boy said, "I farted and my school exploded."

My favorite animal is a cheetah, so I hope the jokes are good.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

There were 5 people on an airplane.

1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world

The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."

"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."

The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.

The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.

The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.

Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"

And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"

So many things are going through my head.

How am I not dead yet?

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

I killed my cat.

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

My ex.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

I took a plane to go see my hairline.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.

A book just fell on my head. I’ve got only my shelf to blame!