My jokes

What part of "Another One Bites the Dust" do you sing to a disabled person to make fun of them? "I'm standing on my own two feet."

Kid me: I lost my stick.

Teacher: No, you didn’t.

Kid me: How do you know that?

Teacher: It’s hanging out of your pants.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

I live in China and we have no food. We have to eat Chinese food, so I called my dog over.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo?

They both can’t be found.

My friend said my life was a joke.

No jokes have meaning.

Me and a wheelchair person were playing tag, and I broke my leg so it can be fair for him.

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

My mom loves balls.

But my dad has been gone for the last 4 years.

I'm black, and I have a dying family in my basement that hasn't eaten in 2 weeks. They need help.

Btw, it's a joke lol.

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.