My jokes

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

What goes up but never goes down?

My grades.

(I wish)

Hey I have a joke for you.

My life hahah. I wanna die.

Wanna know what an orphan's least favorite song is?

"More Than My Hometown."

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

I hate family reunions. I see too many of my exes there.

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.

I gave my sister a compliment and said she's pretty, then while she was saying thanks, I said, "pretty ugly."

Me: You are pretty. Her: Thanks. Me: Pretty ugly.

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.

I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.

It was the hardest day of my life.

My dog died today. 😥

911 what's your emergency?

"Burning in toaster."

"Toast?"

"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"

"Set fire to my forest!"

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."