My jokes
My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.
I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?
My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.
1 like = 1 small dick whiny conservative in my blender.
When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.
I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.
What is the difference between preschools and my basement?
Little kids come out of preschool.
My grandma's got 99 problems, but a fat butt ain't one of 'em.
My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.
When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:
Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?
Why could you not see the guy in my dark closet?
The guy was black.
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
Yo mama so ugly,
my screen cracked when she took her photo!
I keep trying to call my emo friend. They keep hanging up.
Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”
Friend: Ok?
Me: I'mma hit puberty!
*hits my friend*
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."
So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.
Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"
Hairline is so far up, Patrick Mahomes can't even sell to a wide receiver.
"Hey, today was great!"
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car!"