My jokes

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.

Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?

Doctor: Yep.

Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Things to kids:

Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."

A Good Parent: "My baby!"

Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!