Mother jokes

What's the difference between a mother and a father? The mother always comes back from the shop.

Peter: *curses* Sam: Wow, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Peter: Ha, joke’s on you! I don’t have a mother.

Tony, having a heart attack: ASFJDHJWNSGREGEJDHFWVWHUSYSG PETER, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

When babies kick their mother, it's okay, but when I do it, it's a crime...

Why do orphans only have 354 days?

'Cause they are missing Mothers and Fathers day!

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,

The present: Laundry.

*gunshot*

Your mother's hairline is sooooooo long cause Dora the Explorer could not explore it.

Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.

Your mother is responsible for all the train drivers that are never ever late. She taught them all to pull out on time.

If your baby can unhook your bra, is it time to stop breastfeeding?

According to a recent poll, your mother said, "I like the guy who saw the guy who doesn't have a brain!"

A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"

The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Mother!

Mother who?

It's your mother.

What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word “Mother-in-law” you get the words “Woman Hitler”.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"