God: “Steven, join us.”
Sees the staircase to Heaven.
Steven: “Ahh, fu-”
You wanna know who didn't kick the bucket? Stephen Hawking didn't; nor did he bite the dust.
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."
What is worse than 16 babies in 16 dumpsters? One baby in 16 dumpsters.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
People want to be nice to each other, because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.
Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?
They never get old.
What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?
My dick.
Suicidal people are groundbreaking.
Q: Give a man a day of therapy, he'll be sad for then and on.
A: Give a man a noose, he'll be sad for the rest of his life.
What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
There is a thin line between death and life!
You won't live to see it.....
The Cardiogram will!!
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
