Mortality jokes

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

A woman went out on a date and said, “I’m thirty-one with the body of a sixteen-year-old.” The man responded, “Wanna show me? 😏” The woman took him back to her house and opened her freezer and said, “Take a look.”

Cancer kids be like: "When I grow up... lol nevermind."

This joke never gets old. Just like the child.

Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!

Stranger: Knock knock.

Orphan: Who's there?

Stranger: Not your parents.

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

Man dies.

My jokes are like kids with cancer; they never get old.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.

Why can’t Helen Keller drive? She’s dead.

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

What do milk and Make-A-Wish kids have in common? They both have expiration dates.

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What's the really bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.