Morbid jokes

I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

How do you properly eat a vegetable?

You tip over the wheelchair.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?

Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.

I’m not racist. I just have black guns.

I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are through the roof!

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

Give a blind kid a torch and tell him it's a hairdryer.

How do pedophiles follow the law?

They drive it slow in the school zone.

What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?

Splattered.

Fun fact! You can hold your breath till the rest of your life.

My dad is like my depression, you need a suicide letter to find him.

Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.

Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

What’s the difference between people and chocolate? I can still buy dark chocolate.

Paul Walker's death was a tragedy, but at least he went out in a blaze of glory.