Morbid jokes

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.

What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.

What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

If at first you don't succeed, cheat.

Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?

Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

What has hands but can’t clap?

A thalidomide baby.

Why is Afghanistan good at chess? They take the rooks out fast.

What is the biggest fear of an American soldier taking a piss in a bush during the Vietnam war? His manhood will be chopped off.

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"

Why do hospitals have fans?

To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

What do you call a 3-sum with a girl with AIDS?

Nut in the butt.