Morbid jokes
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.
Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."
Baby: "Lmao, same"
Ever tried Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?
"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"
Lol, these jokes have been heard millions of times.
What did the fat man say as he entered Nagasaki?
Nothing, he just exploded.
Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...
no one could tell that it was their blood.
This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.
Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.
What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?
A blender.
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.
What do you call an African American pilot?
A pilot, you racist bastard!
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.