Morbid jokes
what was Juice WRLD before he was famous?
Answer: alive.
What is a cannibal's favorite drink?
Coffee.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
I saw a bus the other day with some boy scouts at the back. One of them was having fun getting his knot-tying badge.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3
What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.
How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
Me: spreading positivity.
Everyone else at the HIV testing center.
What is a suicide pack's favorite song?...
Let the bodies hit the floor.
Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?
A: He rapes D minor.
Girls are like numbers squared. If they're under 13, just do 'em in your head.
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."
How do you get a baby into a small bowl?
A blender.
How do you get it out? Tostito chips.
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.
How to punish a blind kid, rearrange his bedroom.