Morbid jokes
So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"
What's a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross country.
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."
So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.
It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.
My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?
What's black and white and red all over?
A police brutality case.
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?
The “cold and passed out” kind.
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."
What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.
My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.
Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.
Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
What do you find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?
Heads and shoulders.
If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.