Morbid jokes
"One silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and..." He is interrupted. "Why are you saying this aloud?" A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, "You wanted to know how to live on your own, but I guess experience is more helpful," he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.
Why does God hate me?
Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.
Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.
You're dead inside.
(Stabs him 23 times)
I go to the shop and buy 2 pints of kimo.
Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.
My family is like Donkey Kong: a real pain in the ass.
Borthwick's hairline.
What's the difference between a pope/preacher and acne?
Acne comes on your face when you're 13.
Do you know who didn't graduate high school this year?
The Parkland kids.
Going in a military.
The last thing I heard from them is: "Goodbye!"
Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?
Person: Big black what?
Riddler: ...
Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.
We don't got sluts in the South, we got NATS: Nasty Ass Traveling Sluts.
What do you do with a frozen vegetable?
You wait for it to thaw.
I heard they're making a film about Jimmy Savile, it's a very touchy subject.
I heard the film about is so boring it puts you to sleep.
When a man loses his testosterone,
Man: Could I please have a loaner boner?
"Nihha scarborough face."
Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.
He really shook things up today.
Look over there, I say to a man... he was blind. /ratio /bozo /ratio
Why did God create women with pussies?
Because:
1. Of course, God is a man.
2. Of course, he isn't gay.
3. Of course, he is a perv too (for wanting more pussies)!