Morbid jokes
At my sample place, I handed my wife a fork and I lost my job.
What does it take to paint a wall red? Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
Your mother.
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
Christopher Columbus: *Sees native Americans* Can I see your land?
Native Americans: Sure, just be care..........
Christopher Columbus: Boonk gang whole lot of gang shit.
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
What's worse than a baby in a trash can?
A baby in 10 trash cans.
First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"
HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.
My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."
I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."
I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.
I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!
"That's not my name, but okay, that's cool. My name is Coco, but okay, and I already knew Jayden was a boy who is bi."
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
How does a cannibal like his meat?
Human.
Me: Hi, my name is...
Bro: Hey guys! So who are you?
Me: Hey, stop dude!
Bro: How is it going, bro--
Me: SHUT UP!
Bro: Is that a gun?
Me: *Pointing at bro*
Bro: Dude, I'm...
Me: *BANG* *BANG*
Me: Finally, it's over.
My life.
I will always remember my dad's last words...
Oh wait, I never knew them.
Why was 10 scared? Cause he saw 9 rape 11.
I invited my friend with a vasectomy to a party.
Unfortunately, he couldn't come.
Rowan