Morbid jokes
Wanna hear a clean one?
Old man takes a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty one?
Bubbles is the 14 year old next door.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
What's the difference between sand and food? Africans have plenty of sand.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.
Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!
When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?
Alphaville - "Forever Young."
What did one orphan say to the other?
"GET IN THE BATMOBILE, ROBIN!"
If you're a cat person, never let hungry Chinese into your house. They might just have a snack.
I tried to stick to One Direction, but then they started to shoot the gay bar...
What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?
Run over.
Salman Rushdie got a new book out.
It's called "Buddha. You Fat Cunt."
When Chinese babies are born, they should put "MADE FROM CHINA."
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you haven't told her twice already.
My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
What do fire and people have in common?
They will both eventually die out.
My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.
My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.
At least now I can have his phone he left.
What’s red, blonde, and wet?
Saskia in grain.