First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"
HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"
I like my women like I like my chocolate.
Edible.
I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."
What did the pimp order at the Chinese restaurant?
He ordered some cock-bang-ho.
What is the difference between eating a baby and a doughnut?
Babies are healthier.
What's worse than five babies stapled to one tree?
One baby stapled to five trees.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?
Afterbirth.
Go punch an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"
I like my women how I like my cigars: 7 years old and coming from Cuban in a burlap sack.
Why was the broom late? Because it had overslept.
What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?
Neither do ever grow old.
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?
My dick.
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar, just kidding.
What’s red and goes 100 miles per hour?
Babies in a blender.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
I was always told I’m too small to ride, but every girl I’ve been with rated me a 9.5.
Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
