Morbid jokes
What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?
Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.
What was the last thing that went through Aiden's head before he died?
His elbow.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
What does food and dark humour have in common?
Not everybody gets it.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.
Papa: Johnny, Johnny.
Johnny: Yes, Papa?
Papa: Open wide.
Johnny: HAHAHA.
Papa: *unzips pants*
Johnny: *crying* No, Papa!
One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.
The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.
Why did Aaron slit his wrists?
Because it's him.
A Japanese, Hispanic, and Iraqi man are in a plane. The Japanese man drops a bowl off of it and shouts "I love my country!" Then the Hispanic man drops a burrito off the side and shouts, "I love my country!" Finally, the Iraqi man drops a bomb and shouts, "I love my country!"
Not much longer on, a man walks by a boy who is sitting by a crater laughing non-stop. And the man asks, "What's so funny?" And the boy says "When I farted, my house blew up!"
What's the difference between a yandere and a gun?
Nothing.
Flip them off the wrong way and you're dead.
Why did everyone run from the Mexican when he went to the snack bar?
He said "¡Hola snack bar!" ¡Hola means hello in Spanish.
What is Juan the junkmail dispenser's nickname? Spic and spam.
Jimmy: Your mom is gay.
Me: No, you.
Jimmy: I have no mom.
A girl called me ugly.
So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
Jake had sex and broke her hymen, guess he’s Jake the ripper.
What does FNAF stand for? Five Nasty Ass Fools.