Morbid jokes
Osama Spin Laden, dropping beats like the twin towers.
"This vacuum sucks!"
Vacuum: "Yes, I do."
Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:
"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."
What should I write a joke about? Name the subject, and I’ll make a joke about it.
What do you call a boy in your mom?
Your dad.
Why did Adam commit suicide? Andy went through the back door.
How do you poop?
Rowan
How do you know if a comedian is high?
Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.
Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally!
What's better than a pile of dead babies?
One that's alive in the middle that has to eat its way out.
My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.
I knew the human race made mistakes, but you're the worst I've seen so far...
Men, get into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!
Women, go chop some lumber!
White people, get back into the cotton fields!
Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?
Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.
What’s the difference between football and rape?
Women don’t like football.