Morbid jokes

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

How do you get a clown to stop smiling?

You shoot him in the face.

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

When you send nudes to your Roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?

The feather.

The rope stopped the kid.

What does your mom and a slinky have in common?

They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.

How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope.

What's the benefit of taking a depressed kid to the store?

Scan the wrist and you might get a discount.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RC-XD incoming.

My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.

How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.

I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."