When you send her a dick pic but then she sends you one right back…

Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “fuck the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life change when I found out she was under the horse.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

What happened to the blind man’s son. He thought he was hitting a pinyata.

What is worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies. What’s worse than that? The one at the bottom is still alive. What is worse still? It has to eat its way out. What’s worse than that? It went back for seconds.

If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say “Tell me if you can hear me”, then get in the trunk and start screaming.

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure Wonderful saying, Horrible way to find out you were adopted.

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

Hi, Welcome to Dave’s Orphanage you make them we take them how may I help you?

how do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool

you flip it over

A teaher gives her kindergarden students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors the students guess cherry lime and orange. They dont know th last flavor. So the teacher gives them and hint and say its what your parents call each other. [honey] But a little girl shouts and says “ OMG there assholes.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

Q: What did the Ice berg say to the Titanic? A: I’d hit that.

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”