What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
God creating spiders.
God: "Make it have 8 legs." Angel: "Ok? Bit excessive but ok." God: "And 8 eyes." Angel: "You need to calm down and li-" God: "Give it a butt rope!"
how do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?
you flip it over.
What flour do you give an orphan?
Self-raising.
There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?
The Inbredibles.
Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?
A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"
My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire
Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.
Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!
Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
Men wake up with a boner.
Women wake up yawning.
Coincidence?
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.
