Morbid jokes
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What's red and in a corner?
A baby with a razor blade.
What's green and in a corner?
The same baby three weeks later.
Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
What is black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?
Alien vs Predator.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
The people in the Twin Towers, because they went through over 100 stories in less than 10 minutes.
Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
I got mad at my sister's boyfriend, so I fucked his girl.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have? 10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
Why couldn't the Japanese man give a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."