Morbid jokes
"White people can't jump"...
"You must not have seen the twin towers on 9/11."
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"
The woman replies, "No, why?"
The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
What do kids and drugs have in common? I sell both of them.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
I like my humor like my people. Well done.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
*School shooting happens* Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk* American student: "First time?"
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato? About 140 calories.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
What makes suicide illegal? Getting caught.