I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
If I wanted to kill myself I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your iq
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying , Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died and two weeks later Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next.
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?" Doctor: "To the morgue." Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor." Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see then tumbling down the stairs.
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don't care if she has one.
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy
If you push some one that's bullying, if you kill some one that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says "what about the children" the rabbi says "fuck the children" and the Priest says "do you think we'll have time
A boy and his mother survived a car crash. The boy asks his mother "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."
Did you know Hellen Keller has a pool? Neither did she.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
What's worse than 3 babies in one trashcan? One baby in three trashcans.
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
My memes are ironic but my depression is chronic.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary? One of them knows the definition of no.
[God creating spiders] God: make it have 8 legs Angel: ok? bit excessive but ok God: and 8 eyes Angel: You need to calm down and li- God: give it a butt rope
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday.
idk he hasn't opened it yet.
