Morbid jokes
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
Teacher: What's your favorite animal?
Me: Desert Eagle.
Teacher: Why?
Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.
What is the order of finish?
1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.
2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.
3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.
How many times does 43 go into 8?
Get in the van and find out.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?
The feather.
The rope stopped the kid.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
What's brown and rather bad for your dental health?
- A baseball bat.
In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.
My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.
What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.