Morbid jokes
What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tale? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all mutherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit."
What's the difference between a school and an ISIS military base? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.
A boy and his mother survived a car crash.
The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.
What's worse than 3 babies in one trashcan?
One baby in three trashcans.
Did you know Hellen Keller has a pool?
Neither did she.
What did Hitler say after his parents bought a hauler?
How much did the haulla-cost?
If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.
If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.