Morbid jokes
"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."
My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.
How do you circumsize a hillbilly? Kick his mother in the jaw
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
What do you call a dad in the mirror?
(Your imagination.)
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
Kid: What is between mom's legs?
Dad: Paradise.
Kid: What's between your legs?
Dad: The key to paradise.
Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
After a surgery, a man claimed he couldn't feel his legs. I replied, "Of course not, I amputated your fucking arms!"
Covid 19 stopped mass shootings faster than the Government.
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad. He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
I did a bungee jump for charity recently. It was called "spastics on elastics."
My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.
What do you call a white man surrounded by black men? Coach.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
What starts with M and ends with arriage?
Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?
Neither does the child.
The emo kid tried to high five the tree.
But the tree left him hanging.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.