Morbid jokes
So, three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother. The first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So, the mother replies, "Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead." The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So, the mother explained, "Same as Daisy, when we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead." The third daughter then said "ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb," so the mother said, "Shut up, Brick!"
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing...
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got genital warts, Soon you will, too!
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
I looked up how fast cum shoots and it said 28 mph. That means that ejaculation is illegal in school zones!
What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?
Shooting up schoolchildren.
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?
The redneck virgin.
What do you call a bus full of kids? A killstreak.
What's a Parkinson's victim's least favorite song?
Taylor Swift - "Shake it Off".
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
What did everyone say about the crazy unemployed homeless man?
He made no cents.
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.
Why did everyone run from the Mexican when he went to the snack bar?
He said "¡Hola snack bar!" ¡Hola means hello in Spanish.
What is red and cries and spins around and around?
- A baby in a microwave.
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.
When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?
Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!
(Wait, forgot about the 3rd third thing.) I have said this countless times, but it doesn't seem to be getting through to you: quit hating on particular jokes. You don't like it? Nobody cares. Don't go into the morbid jokes category, you idiots, ffs!