Morbid jokes
I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A murderer.
A murderer who--
Is cut off by being murdered.
What do you call an Asian man flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist fuck!
Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.
*looks up*
Oh, never mind.
I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."
I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.
What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What's red and screams when you shake it?
A skinned baby in a bag of salt.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a line and you break your mommy's spine." She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a crack and you break daddy's back." She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming.
The husband starts celebrating, gets in the car, and starts to drive away.
The son comes outside and steps on a crack.
The dad then dies in a car crash.
Dad: Ok kids, this selfie will just be me! *screen cracks*
Me. I am the worst joke ever.
Why did Aaron's dad beat him? Because he tensed his ass.
What do you call gun ammunition made out of human babies?
Project-childs.
(Projectiles)
Hey mum, why do people keep suddenly dying in our family?
Mum?
Mum?
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Rowan
What has teeth but doesn't use them to chew? The answer would be a comb or a piano, but technically, if you ripped someone's teeth out and hand them to them, they have teeth but can't chew with them.
A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".
The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.