Morbid jokes
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.
Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.
Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.
But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
A man has the power to grant anyone a wish they want.
A kid comes up and says, "I want to be like Batman!"
The man smiles and grants his wish. The child goes home and finds that he is now an orphan.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
Say what you will of pedophiles, but you can't ignore their problem with immature ejaculation.
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
What place can you always find suicidal cows at?
"McDonald's."
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.
What do you call terrible milk?
Udder Bullshit.
Guess how I'm getting laid tonight?
"I'm stronger than you."
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
What’s worse than dropping your ice cream?
The Holocaust.
Jesus created the T-pose first.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it looked in the mirror.