Morbid jokes

How do you get a baby to stop crying?

Simple... you staple its mouth shut.

What's the square root of your dead?

9/11.

Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.

What did the mute man tell the blind man?

Nothing.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

What kind of file turns a 1.5 cm hole into a 4.5 cm hole?

A pedophile.

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

My therapist said time heals all wounds. I stabbed him. Now we wait...

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"

A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.

The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!

The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”

If you need help, you will need trash, 'cause you the trash.

What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?

Reload... chhchhhh.

When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.

Rock, paper, lesbians.

If it's on the clock, it's old enough for the cock.

Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?

A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.