Morbid jokes
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
What is a paedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
Free delivery XD
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What's the best thing about abuse jokes? The punchline.
What objects have the most gravitational force?
A Lambo and a gold digger.
Three Nazis walk into a bar.
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
What do you call a girl with only one leg? Eileen.
What about an Asian girl with only one leg? Irene.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got genital warts, Soon you will, too!
Me: What's yellow and can't swim?
My sister: What??
Me: A school bus filled with kids.
Jimmy: Your mom is gay.
Me: No, you.
Jimmy: I have no mom.
What does the Bible stand for?
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"
"Ok!"
"Are you ok, man?"
"Yeah, I’m fine."
"Dude, pull your pants back up!"
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"