Morbid jokes
My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.
In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.
Why?
They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.
What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage? "Let us prey together."
What do you get when you cross a Cuban and corrupt dictator, Fidel Castro?
I wish my grass was edgy...
then it would cut itself...
Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.
Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
"Wanna hear a construction joke?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Wait, I'm still working on it!"
Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的
The first guy: What's 他妈的?
The Chinese: Fucking.
The first guy chooses death.
Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...
The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.
Second guy: I choose 他妈的.
The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!
I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.
What's the difference between apples and dead babies?
I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.
What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?
"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.
My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
What did Hitler get for his 6th birthday?
A Kewpie burger and an Easy-Bake Oven.
I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
How do you fit 27 New Zealand tourists in a 15-seater bus?
Simple. All in the ashtray.