Morbid jokes
What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?
My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.
Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.
As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
What did the pimp order at the Chinese restaurant?
He ordered some cock-bang-ho.
Why didn't Logan Paul high five the Asian man? Because he loves to leave Asians hanging.
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
What is a school shooter's favorite animal?
A Desert Eagle.
My family is like Donkey Kong: a real pain in the ass.
What’s similar between the twin towers and Kobe Bryant?
They both can crash down.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
"How was your day?"
"It was great."
"What was so great about it?"
"I saw a puppy."
"Awww."
"And I ran over it :)"
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.
What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?
Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.
Q: What's a pedophile's favorite type of candy?
A: Loli-pops.
The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!
What's a rapist's favorite scale?
C Minor.
What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?
An expiration date.
Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.