Morbid jokes
What did they give Elmo before he left the factory? Two test-tickles.
Dad: Ok kids, this selfie will just be me! *screen cracks*
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
My friend told me an emo joke once, and I said, "Emo jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"
Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
What is a school shooter's favorite animal?
A Desert Eagle.
Bob: Siri, call 666!
*dialing noises*
Bob: Hello?
Bob's dad: Hi!
My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.
Your Mom tells you to take out the trash, and the next day the Police are asking if you bombed the School.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.
How do you get a baby into a small bowl?
A blender.
How do you get it out? Tostito chips.
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"
One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."
Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till you're asleep to rape you.
What's the difference between a boy and girl? A boy always carries an average 5in "do not enter" sign.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.