Morbid jokes
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.
Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
What's yellow and can’t swim?
Your dead fish.
Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim is already in America.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists.
What's the motto for a pizza place that's also an abortion clinic: Your loss is our sauce.
What is Bill Cosby's favorite poem? Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till your asleep to rape you.
What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?
Non-buy dairy.
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.
And my driver's license got revoked too.
When the quiet kid gets angry and the sped kid sees your hiding spot.
Bing, bang, boom!
What did they give Elmo before he left the factory? Two test-tickles.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS.