Morbid jokes
What do you call a convict in prison for touching little girls? A boy named Brandon.
Why did Billy drop his ice cream?
'Cause he got hit by a bus.
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."
Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."
So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"
The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"
The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"
I want coffee like my men.
Dark.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: .....it...
Friend: No
Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!
Friend: Why are you like this?
Q: Why did the chef get fired?
A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!
An Irish-man walks out of a bar.
Me: What's yellow and can't swim?
My sister: What??
Me: A school bus filled with kids.
If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.
Q. What is the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. The phrase "jump rope" means different things.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
Why do orphans miss half their basketball season? Cause they don't have home games.
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.