Morbid jokes
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.
Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
What's yellow and can’t swim?
Your dead fish.
Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim is already in America.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists.
What's the motto for a pizza place that's also an abortion clinic: Your loss is our sauce.
What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?
Non-buy dairy.
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
What did they give Elmo before he left the factory? Two test-tickles.
When the quiet kid gets angry and the sped kid sees your hiding spot.
Bing, bang, boom!
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.
And my driver's license got revoked too.
What is Bill Cosby's favorite poem? Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till your asleep to rape you.
Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS.
How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.
Girls are like numbers squared. If they're under 13, just do 'em in your head.