So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back,". The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking. The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says "step on a line and you break your father's spine,". The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE,". The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
there's two types of emo people
1. people that cut side to side
2. and people that cut up and down
the most efficient is up and down
What is the difference between a whore and an onion U don't cry when you chop a whore
How do you take care of all the babies you just crushed with your car? Open a pizza shop 🍕
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
Two people are sitting in a sky scraper. P1: Hey, what wifi are you connected to? The company wifi is horrible. P2: Airplane wifi
There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?
A pentagon!
(9/11 joke)
My credit card is more declined the the love from my dad
What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wipe his ass.
Don't you hate it when you do the dishes but then you realized it wasn't the dishes.
What's worse than eating 5 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?
Realizing you only put in 4.
I have some sad news. The Australian inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. RIP 😔
A man comes home and the wife says 'My ex just died by getting hit by a bus' and the husband said 'I lost my job as a bus driver'
I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so i cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand im glad to help
What yellow and can’t swim Your dead fish
Me: Now knowing why Michael Jackson turned white.
The police: You finally figured is out.
My friend said I was gay but then I realised he was talking to the mirror
I was going to tell a dead baby joke... *I decided to abort*
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb.
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
