Morbid jokes

There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

Why do Nazis not wear necklaces, rings, and bracelets? Because they hate jewelry.

If the minions serve whoever is the biggest bad, then who did they serve 1930-1945?

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

What’s the difference between a bird and a human?

“We don’t eat with our peckers.”

You want to know what the ugly truth looks like?

Go look in the mirror.

What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?

The redneck virgin.

Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?

A: You gonna eat that?

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

How do you blow up an Indian person?

You press the red button.

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

You know why orphans like boomerangs?

Because they come back, unlike their parents.

What kind of file turns a 1.5 cm hole into a 4.5 cm hole?

A pedophile.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.

What is the difference between a whore and an onion?

You don't cry when you chop a whore.

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

It's not like they'll tell their parents.

What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?

“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”