Morbid jokes

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs, at your front door?

Matt.

Who read the most words?

911 passengers, they read 12 stories in 9.10 seconds.

What did the mute man tell the blind man?

Nothing.

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

So, a mom and a dad are having sex. Their daughter comes down and says, "Mommy, Mommy, what are you doing?"

The mom goes, "Uh, we're making a cake. Let's go back to bed." So she tucks her daughter in and says, "We will go to the park tomorrow."

So the next day they go to the park, and two teens are going at it in some bushes, and the little girl goes, "Mommy, Mommy, what are they doing?" And the mom goes, "They're making a cake. Let's go back home."

So they go home, and the mom tucked her into bed and says, "Tomorrow we will go to the zoo." And so the next day they go to the zoo, and two monkeys are going at it, and the girl goes, "Mommy, what are they doing?" And the mom goes, "They're making a cake. Let's go back home."

And so they go home, and the girl goes, "Mommy, did you and Daddy make a cake last night?" And the mom nervously says, "N-no, why?" And the little girl goes, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.

What is red and cries and spins around and around?

- A baby in a microwave.

If the minions serve whoever is the biggest bad, then who did they serve 1930-1945?

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

What’s the difference between a bird and a human?

“We don’t eat with our peckers.”

You want to know what the ugly truth looks like?

Go look in the mirror.

What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?

The redneck virgin.

Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?

A: You gonna eat that?