Morbid jokes
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is...
The secret to dark humor is the delivery... oh wait, the baby was stillborn.
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
If the minions serve whoever is the biggest bad, then who did they serve 1930-1945?
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?
A: They don't belong in buildings.
Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."
Baby: "Lmao, same"
What's an emo person's least favorite game? Cut The Rope.
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
Q: What did one snake say to the other?
A: Nothing because they are both dead.
I’m probably the episode 9 since I make people cry.
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.
Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.
What's the difference between Andy and acne?
Acne waited until Adam could talk before coming on his face.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”