Morbid jokes
My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.
Don't you just hate when you have to eat cereal with water because your dad won't bring the fucking milk? Cause same.
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
Bippity boppity, get the f*ck off my property.
I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
Why do midgets work at Tesco?
Because every little helps.
Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
A morbid joke would be what's going on in my mind.
What happens when an emo kid loses a Kahoot? He gets a 25 kill streak.
What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?
You abort it.
Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?
A. The Purge.
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.