Morbid jokes

When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.

What do you call a midget with autism?

A weetard.

What's the only type of abortion Republicans will never try to legislate against?

A school shooting.

What is a school shooter's favorite animal?

A Desert Eagle.

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

See, morbid humor is just like water, not everyone gets it.

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

Why is it that when I'm in school doing PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but the moment I say "blacks against whites" I'm the bad guy?

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."

Am I the only one who gives people in the neighborhood names they don't know they have? Like "Blue truck dude", "Loud dog guy", "Nice old lady with the rose bushes", "That slut across the street."

Roses are red. Violets are blue. A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at YOU!

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

Why do orphans miss half their basketball season? Cause they don't have home games.

If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.

Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?

Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.

How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.

What do volcanoes and suicide bombers have in common?

They both erupt when triggered.

What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, she's still trying to open it...