Morbid jokes
I was walking home when I saw children crossing the street on their own. I went towards him and tapped his shoulder and said, "Hey, little kid, you are not supposed to be walking on your own." The kid turns out to be a dwarf.
Why is it that when I'm in school doing PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but the moment I say "blacks against whites" I'm the bad guy?
What do you call a midget with autism?
A weetard.
What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.
When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.
What's the only type of abortion Republicans will never try to legislate against?
A school shooting.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
What is a school shooter's favorite animal?
A Desert Eagle.
What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."
Am I the only one who gives people in the neighborhood names they don't know they have? Like "Blue truck dude", "Loud dog guy", "Nice old lady with the rose bushes", "That slut across the street."
Roses are red. Violets are blue. A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at YOU!
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
Why do orphans miss half their basketball season? Cause they don't have home games.
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, she's still trying to open it...
What do volcanoes and suicide bombers have in common?
They both erupt when triggered.