Morbid jokes
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."
How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?
By cutting off her fingers.
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.
*looks up*
Oh, never mind.
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...
I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.
Shut the f*ck up.
What present did the armless kid get for Christmas?
He got gloves. Ohh, sorry, he could never open the present.
Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.
A computer is like a living organism. Its charger is its life support. If you "pull the plug," you are letting it slowly die.
What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?
*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*
I found Nemo.
He was tasty.
In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.
My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.