I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.
I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.
So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
A dad and son walk into a strip club. The people in the strip club said he was too young to be in here, so they had to leave. Ten years later, they went back there. They saw a small dancer. The father walked over there and said the woman looked too small to be in here. Her reply was... "I wasn't dancing ten years ago."
Son: Dad, what's a morbid joke?
Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him, then you will know.
Son: But Dad, I don't have arms or legs.
Father: Now you know.
Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.
What mental disorder do all Mexicans have?
Borderline Personality Disorder.
I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
What do you call a Terrorist in a wheel chair?
RCXD in bound
I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?
My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don't break girls' hearts. Break their legs instead. They're two.
What’s the difference between jail and my basement?
Some people are let out of jail.
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
