Morbid jokes

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

How many children can you fit in a box?

Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.

You looking for jokes? I have one: your life.

What makes sad people jump? A bridge.

So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.

That’s the punch line.

Latias is red.

Latios is blue.

You should always remember to put up your curtains because I Pikachu.

My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.

Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"

How does Jesus whistle?

By blowing through the holes in his hands.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.

"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."

~John F. Kennedy

Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln

Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"