Morbid jokes

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.

"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."

~John F. Kennedy

Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln

Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

I KNOW IT'S MARCH, BUT I THOUGHT OF THIS!

Jingle bells, jingle bells! OH GOD, SANTA FELL!

I guess it's time for Mrs. Claus to go straight down to hell!

Who needs April Fool's when your life is a joke?

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.