I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
When you having a normal day at school but then
*all the other kids with the pumped up kicks*
If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.
I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?
It can't hit home.
I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said "My time to shine."
Why wasn't the infant's entire body found?
Because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I have double standards, burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW
Why is it you donate one kidney you're a hero but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field? Everywhere.
What should you never say to a Japanese person? "You're da bomb!"
Why did Mary have a little lamb? Because a big one was too much in bed.
I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.
A father of five puts on gas mask and a hazard suit, and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked "Dad, what are you wearing?". The father would answer with "A costume for Halloween.". the child asked "can i join?". He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. *after that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.
