Morbid jokes

Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?

Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

What's the difference between me and a bus?

I'm not on fire...

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Deez nuts!

GOT EEMMMMMMMM!

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."

Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.

Why do emos cut themselves?

To play noughts and crosses.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.

What's black, white, and red?

A nun that fell down an elevator shaft.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?

Well, he’s all right now!

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as "The bomb" is not okay.