Morbid Jokes

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.

What's black, white, and red?

A nun that fell down an elevator shaft.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?

Well, he’s all right now!

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as "The bomb" is not okay.

What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?

There's brains all over the place.

I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

What was the last thing on the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?

...

Their knees.

*Ba dum tss*

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.