Money jokes
An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.
"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $30."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman, slightly annoyed, gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.
Son: Mom, can I borrow $50?
Mom: What? NO WAY! Do you think money grows on trees?
Son: Mom, what is money made of?
Mom: Paper.
Son: Where does paper come from?
Mom: . . .
One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."
The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."
A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"
Kenney lost his virginity to a $10 hooker, but he only had to pay $5. She was his sister, so he got the family discount.
I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.
He said the ATM outside.
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
It’s true women do make less money than men.
But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
What's the quickest way to get money besides winning the lottery?
Leaving your son with Michael Jackson.
The trip from your eyebrow to your hairline costs $6000.
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.
If having sex for money makes you a wh*re, then what does having sex for free make you?
Non-profit wh*reganisation.
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.