Money jokes
Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?
It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.
One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."
The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."
A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"
Kenney lost his virginity to a $10 hooker, but he only had to pay $5. She was his sister, so he got the family discount.
I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
It’s true women do make less money than men.
But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
The trip from your eyebrow to your hairline costs $6000.
What's the quickest way to get money besides winning the lottery?
Leaving your son with Michael Jackson.
I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.
My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.
Weird, he usually uses a sock.
I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.
He said the ATM outside.
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
If having sex for money makes you a wh*re, then what does having sex for free make you?
Non-profit wh*reganisation.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."