Mom jokes

What were the orphan's mom and dad's names? John and Jane Doe.

Mom: There is so much of the dog's dirty ball marks.

Me: *umm ohh no* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA dirty balls!

Why do I f*** my mom?

Like father like son. #batabababa

At 6, she wanted a happy mama.

At 8, she hated acting like a mom.

At 10, she wanted to see her own smile again.

At 11, she wanted to see her mom.

Mom: You can't die in the living room, David, so you can stop stabbing and shooting yourself.

David: I will surpass Kakarot!

Jordan: *dead on the living room floor*

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

Evan, mom hot?

But your mom's the best, the super M.I.L.F.

And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol, but if I were you, I wouldn’t kiss your mom on the mouth at all.

Being a mom to a teenager will make you understand why some animals eat their young.

Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.

Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.

Mom: Did you finish your homework?

Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.

Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.

Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!

Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.

Son: That was cruel!

I call this my great talk with Siri.

Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.

Siri: My mother? Huh?

Me: Did I stutter?

Siri: Interesting question.

Me: It wasn’t a question.

Siri: I’m not sure I understand?

Me: You should understand.

Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?

Me: No, you b***.

I can’t remember if I already said this or not. I might have already said this. Also, this is a true story.

So, I’m walking into a store in Amish country, and there’s this guy with a bear trap. Then my mom’s friend says, "This guy’s gonna catch some bears." Then the Amish guy stops, looks around, and whispers, “It’s for democrats.”

I hate "the woke" so much, I got mad when my mom said I "woke" up late for school.

He huffed and he puffed, but instead of blowing the house, he choked it down with his mom.

Your mom.

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.