Mom

Mom jokes

Honey

What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

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  • Trash

    My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

    Cinderblock

    There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

    Horse

    Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.

    Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.

    Little Johnny: What are you doing?

    Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.

    Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

    Memes

    Keyhole

    Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."

    Cat

    A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

    He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

    She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

    “She’s playing on the roof.”

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  • Depression

    Me telling my parents I'm depressed: my parents, "No, you're just a little stressed and want attention, am I right?" My depression worsening, me: "Yeah, you're totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....

    Monkey

    A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair. So, she told her sister, and her sister said that ain't nothing, mine's already eating bananas.

    Viagra

    A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

    Comeback

    Bully: "Nobody loves you."

    Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

    Maria

    Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

    Baseball

    Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”

    Mom: “That’s not funny, you know Billy doesn’t have any arms and legs.”

    Boys: “I know, we need a third base.”

    Roast

    Bully: "I would roast you but my mom told me not to burn trash."

    Me: "So that's why you haven't burnt yourself yet." 🤔

    Dad

    Hey Siri, where is my dad?

    Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

    HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!

    Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

    ...WhAT-

    Parent

    Having homosexual parents must be terrible.

    Either you have a double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in a cycle of "go ask your mom".

    Onion

    I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.

    Onions was a good dog.

    Orphan

    On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."

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