Mom jokes

What do you expect when you get out of a bar?

Your mom naked LOLOLOLOL.

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*

What is the difference between me and cancer?

My mom did beat cancer.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Last time Kenny ate a vegetable, he got banned from his mom's nursing home.

One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.

Five years later, he came back and left again.

Why did the Mexican chicken cross the road?

Because the mom said, "Vente, Baca."

I bet when your mom first saw you, she said, "Oh my god, this ain't my child. My child would look amazing."

When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.

Everyone says Kenny has an easy life.

I disagree. I hear his mom likes complicated sex positions.

Your mom is so fat that when she saw Moby Dick, she said, "We are family... even though you're bigger than me."

POV: Your mum is a bomber.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?

They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”

I told my deaf mom to be nice to the neighbors. She didn't listen...

What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.

Mom, what happens if you swear at a church?

Well, honey, a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and nunchucks will beat you.

word

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kfksdfksdmomfkdjg

You have to be a good mom to be a MILF.

What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?

They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."