Mom jokes

Mommy, when will daddy come back?

I'm not your mom...

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late again?

Little Johnny: I had to be there for the birth of our first mixed cow, the white cow fell on the mud! (The teacher faints)

When the quiet kid tells you not to go to school the next day, but your mom makes you go anyway.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."

A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

You mom.

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

Ur mom fat lol.

Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!

Me: But Billy's with her right now.

Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM

Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

Mom: Can I tell you a joke?

Kid: Sure.

Mom: Knock knock.

Kid: Who's there?

Mom: Not yo.

Kid: Not yo who?

Mom: Not yo father.

Kid: Not yo husband either.

Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee, so his mom said he can have one.

He got an espresso, not knowing "depresso" came with it.

Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"

Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"

Mom: "He got inside a white van."

What's fat and wanks over his mom?

Guy Sheppard.