MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.
DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.
MOM: No, you're not.
Mom: Can I tell you a joke?
Kid: Sure.
Mom: Knock knock.
Kid: Who's there?
Mom: Not yo.
Kid: Not yo who?
Mom: Not yo father.
Kid: Not yo husband either.
My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.
My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
I told my deaf mom to be nice to the neighbors. She didn't listen...
What's fat and wanks over his mom?
Guy Sheppard.
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
My mom and I went to a bank. Hard to say I never heard of it. The name is "Addison Banks."
LOL
Why does that kid have to stay in that orphanage?
He should just go to his mom and dad!
You're gay.
Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.
One time I was watching TV.
Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!
Me: Omg, really?
Mom: Sike, I lied.
Your mom! Oh wait, you don't have one.
Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a b*tch is four; four plus four, the son of a b*tch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a b*tch...;” “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!”
The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no,” said the teacher, terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’”
My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.
Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.
Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.
My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.
What do an abortion and a baby have in common?
The mom doesn't want either of them.
Your mom is so old, she turned to dust before Thanos snapped.
A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."
Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."
So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"
The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"
The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"
Everyone says Kenny has an easy life.
I disagree. I hear his mom likes complicated sex positions.
One day, a leaf asks Mom, "Mom, why am I named Leaf?"
Mom says, "Because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head."
The next day, Feather asks Mom, "Mommy, why am I named Feather?"
Mom says, "When you were a baby, a feather fell on your head."
The next day, Brick asks Mom, "Rhsisvrkanx!"
Mom says, "Shut up, Brick!"
