Mom

Mom jokes

Teeth

When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."

A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."

Grandfather

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

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  • Lesbian

    I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

    Backyard

    I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

    Memes

    Friend

    My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

    Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

    Incest

    Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!

    Me: But Billy's with her right now.

    Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM

    Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.

    Coffee

    Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee, so his mom said he can have one.

    He got an espresso, not knowing "depresso" came with it.

    Kid

    Mom: Can I tell you a joke?

    Kid: Sure.

    Mom: Knock knock.

    Kid: Who's there?

    Mom: Not yo.

    Kid: Not yo who?

    Mom: Not yo father.

    Kid: Not yo husband either.

    Dad

    MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

    DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

    MOM: No, you're not.

    Dad

    Mom: That's why your dad left you.

    Me: Why?

    Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

    Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

    Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

    (This actually did happen in real life.)

    Lie

    One time I was watching TV.

    Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!

    Me: Omg, really?

    Mom: Sike, I lied.

    Bank

    My mom and I went to a bank. Hard to say I never heard of it. The name is "Addison Banks."

    LOL

    Orphanage

    Why does that kid have to stay in that orphanage?

    He should just go to his mom and dad!

    Van

    Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"

    Mom: "He got inside a white van."

    Pole

    You're gay.

    Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.