Mom jokes

Your mom is so old that her birth certificate says "expired."

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

When you end up pregnant...

Mom told me if a boy touched my breast I should say "DON'T," and if he touched me down there I should say "STOP." But Dad, he touched me both places at once so I said, "DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!" 😂

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."

I fucked the shit outta of my friend's mom with my 8 inch dick (Adrian). PS. Sorry, Adrian!

Kid: “What happened to Dad?”

Mom: “He flew into the Twin Towers.”

Evan, mom hot?

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

How come orphans know how to do laundry?

Cause that's usually the mom's job.

I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.

Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

If you're happy and you know it, f*** your mom.

Your mom is a joke.

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.

Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.

Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.

My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.

Where's your mom at?