Wait Jokes



My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait



My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, i cant wait to meet him 馃グ馃グ馃グ



If you鈥檙e waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren鈥檛 you the waiter?



I really hate waiting to die..... Its taking a lifetime




A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."




A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down it the waiting room. Whem it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, 'Well I have good news and bad news.' The woman says, 'I'll hear the good news first please.' The doctor replies 'The good news is we're naming a disease after you!'



Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.


Train Boy

Why was I stress eating on the train track?

To wait to get hit.



Stephen hawking walks into a bar.... oh wait.


Old Lady


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."




A mom gave her son "the talk". her son replies "wait so there really isn't candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied.


I鈥檓 not a robot

The F in orphan stands for family... oh wait



steph3n show

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!




Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven".

The first guy says "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times". The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says "11 years and only once" and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says "20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart" and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard"



What's the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.


Bloodcurdling scream

At school, Little Johnny鈥檚 classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it鈥檚 very easy to blackmail them by saying, 鈥淚 know the whole truth.鈥 Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny鈥檚 mother greets him at home, and he tells her, 鈥淚 know the whole truth.鈥 His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, 鈥淛ust don鈥檛 tell your father.鈥 Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, 鈥淚 know the whole truth.鈥 The father promptly hands him $40 and says, 鈥淧lease don鈥檛 say a word to your mother.鈥 Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 鈥淚 know the whole truth.鈥 The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, 鈥淭hen come give your Daddy a great big hug!鈥



My girlfriends last words I can鈥檛 wait to become a mom


Dark Humor


The secret to dark humor is the delivery... oh wait, the baby was stillborn.




Hey can't wait to meet you! So join the crippiling depression family!!

Old Lady


A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."