Misunderstanding jokes

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra!

14 girls asked me to go out today!

I was in the ladies' toilets...

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me." "What was your first impression on him?" "I told him, she calls me daddy too."

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I gave the blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

Why do people misplace 9/11 with emo kids? They both have a high death count.

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

My friend asks me what does "idk" mean. I said, "I dion't know." My friend says, "You mean I don't know." I said, "That's what I said!"

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.

She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

When Sally was little, she came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, I can't believe it! Little John collects Pimmel at school."

Mom: "No?"

"Like in heaven?" said the mother.

"No, juice," Sally said.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

One day I was texting my friend on Roblox and I made her mad. She told me she was gonna kill me.

That night, she told me to meet her at the bathroom at 2 PM sharp, but she made "sharp" in all caps. So I went to the bathroom at 2 PM the next day. Now I know what she meant by "SHARP" on Roblox... she brought a knife, and I was in hell by then. Like for the next part!

Why did the kid go in the guy's van?

Answer: He thought he was being adopted.

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)