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I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

The teacher asked her class to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. “The sky is definitely blue.” “Very good Kevin,but the sky can also be blue or black.” the teacher replied. Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him. And picked Annie from the back of the room. “The grass is definitely green.” “Very good Annie, but it can also be brown.” Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally she called on him. “Mines more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?” “Why no Johnny why would you ask such a question?” She questioned. “Well if they don’t have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself.”

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my co-workers found gold. I said AU, bring that over here!

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he’d had. He started counting but fell asleep.

I know people don’t really like cat puns, but mine are PURRety good. Did you CATch that one? No? Because you are in a bad mood? You should WISKER those feelings away. We should PAWnder ways to fix your mood. Just remember to keep CLAWing at the problem. I am glad I can help MEW.

what is the one feature an orphan kid’s phone doesn’t have that mine does?A home button.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

When your friend gets involved with someone it affects the friendship when ever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend ,we should say I looked like the person you used to know but I’ve been modified to survive in this relationship if we have an argument and she’s there I might disagree with you I’d rather countinue to see her naked.

How did Voldemort lose his nose? From uncontrolled Gold Mining!

I hear coal mining is a rock-bottom job.

Friend: My girls are like boomerangs they always come back Me: Mine DONT:(

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back I’m glad mine is the biggest, so I get to f... my dad again

You thought his puns were bad wait to you sea mine!

3 boy chiwawa were hot about this girl chiwawa. She tells them I will date whichever one of you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence. First dog say… I love cheese but liver is bland. She replay… Really original. Next dog… I love liver but chesse makes me constipated… She replay… Ewe gross. Third dog steps up… Man Liver alone cheese mine. Winner dog 3.

SHAENAYA WANTS TO SUCK EVERYBOYS DICK BESIDES MINE CAUSE SHE A THIRSTY HOE

What’s your favorite type of wood? Mine is Bollywood