I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting
A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair.so she told her sister and her sister said that aint nothing mines already eating bananas
Two men were talking about their wives
The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
people talking me asking whats the worst day in the year for them. Person 1: The first day of school cause i don’t like going to school
Person 2: Valentines day cause its to lovey
Me: oh nice mines my birthday cause its when i was born
I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.
The wheels on the bus go round and round!
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So i ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
On Xbox live an orphan can say they f ed your mom so you can say at least mine didnt die from it.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my co-workers found gold. I said AU, bring that over here!
People in plays say that everyone’s life is a drama but mines a tragedy.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
The teacher asked her class to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. “The sky is definitely blue.” “Very good Kevin,but the sky can also be blue or black.” the teacher replied. Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him. And picked Annie from the back of the room. “The grass is definitely green.” “Very good Annie, but it can also be brown.” Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally she called on him. “Mines more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?” “Why no Johnny why would you ask such a question?” She questioned. “Well if they don’t have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself.”
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he’d had. He started counting but fell asleep.
today my idiot brother screamed"ahhhhh im dead!’ but it wasn’t really, so i d3cded to make it a reality until my sister came…
AND HELPED ME! - for once but then two minutes later my mom showed up, we k!lled him right infront of her and she screamed! "DONUTS AND PIZZA FOR YPU AND MORE IF YOU GO TO MRS ROBERTS HOUSE AND SAY HI AND BYE TO DADDY!!! and she hands us both a sharp tool and i say what about tommy!!! arn’t u MAD!!! then she replied who’s THAT??? COZ HE AINT MINE HIS NAME IS TOMMY, TOMMY ROBERTS. so then me and my sister visit mrs ROBERTS AND SHE SAID OH THIS ISN’T ANYTHING IMPORTANT GO HOME! so then my sister nd i say hi! and do a countdount aftr that my nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR , MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL!😊😊😊 but then the police question us where daddy was so then mom said… oh he’s moved on! so then the police officer was like ahem ma’m where! SO THEN I BELLOWED… UP - UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit either🧐 i will ask my neibour nessy she’ll obviously say YES or ill…
ok like for part two☺☺☺
I was watching my daughter play at the park, a woman came up to me and asked which one was mine, I said I was still choosing.
heres a list of puns not all of them are mine
1.Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
2.Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5.Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6.Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7.Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8.How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9.That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10.My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
two husbands walk into a bar the first one says my wife is an angel the second one says your lucky mine is still alive
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work… We were able to lift his coffin.