I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting
Two men were talking about their wives
The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair.so she told her sister and her sister said that aint nothing mines already eating bananas
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my co-workers found gold. I said AU, bring that over here!
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
On Xbox live an orphan can say they f ed your mom so you can say at least mine didnt die from it.
people talking me asking whats the worst day in the year for them. Person 1: The first day of school cause i don’t like going to school
Person 2: Valentines day cause its to lovey
Me: oh nice mines my birthday cause its when i was born
The teacher asked her class to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. “The sky is definitely blue.” “Very good Kevin,but the sky can also be blue or black.” the teacher replied. Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him. And picked Annie from the back of the room. “The grass is definitely green.” “Very good Annie, but it can also be brown.” Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally she called on him. “Mines more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?” “Why no Johnny why would you ask such a question?” She questioned. “Well if they don’t have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself.”
two husbands walk into a bar the first one says my wife is an angel the second one says your lucky mine is still alive
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he’d had. He started counting but fell asleep.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I know people don’t really like cat puns, but mine are PURRety good. Did you CATch that one? No? Because you are in a bad mood? You should WISKER those feelings away. We should PAWnder ways to fix your mood. Just remember to keep CLAWing at the problem. I am glad I can help MEW.
im a bot so coollllll"
If I adopt a child is it mine ?? 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯😳
Everyone has cracks in them, mines just in my heart and not my ass.
I was out ice fishing, and had no nibbles all morning. About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said “Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg.” I said “Excuse,me, I didn’t get that?” so he mumbles even louder, “Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!” I shook my head and said “I’m sorry, but I still didn’t understand what you said.” Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says “YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!”
So, I was walking down the path of my life with bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his. One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, “You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?” He, then, looks me straight in the eyes, and say,“Raw!”