I called my dog 5 miles.
Today, I fawn over my miles.
Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"
What can Miles Morales do that Spiderman can't?
Hug his parents.
What’s red and goes 90 miles an hour?
Your forehead is so big I could sell advertising space by the mile on it.
If I measured your forehead, it would be 100,000,000,000,000,000 miles long.
Three men were going for a drive through the desert. An hour later, the car breaks down. They all take something from the car to keep themselves cool as they walk to the nearest gas station a few miles back.
One guy grabs a hand-held fan. Another guy grabs the jug of water. The last guy takes the car door off. About 15 minutes into walking, the other two are giving the one guy weird looks. Finally, one of them asks why he is taking the car door. The third guy just replies that whenever he gets hot he can just roll down the window.
Americans: Miles per hour.
Europeans: Bullets per kid...
I smell ice a mile. Titanic, I want to iceberg.
I'm holding an African themed party tomorrow. There is no food, and the drinks are 10 miles away!
Jump in the Cadillac. (Girl, let's put some miles on it.) Anything you want. (Just to put a smile on it.) You deserve it, baby, you deserve it all, And I'm gonna give it to you. Gold jewelry shining so bright, Strawberry champagne on ice, Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like. Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like.
-Tommyinnit
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.
Yo mama so fat that every time she takes a swim, the Arctic sinks by a mile!
Congratulations to Avicii for passing his 3-day milestone of sobriety!
Why did Monaco cross the road? It smashed a 1-mile radius of the road + the chicken.
Your mom is so fat the space shuttle can see her from 10,000 miles away.
One thing that Miles Morales and Black men have in common is that they're both rip-offs.
What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 Dodge Neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer.
It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lowballs.
You look tall for being 432,450 miles tall!
There are two doors leading to Heaven: one for henpecked husbands and one for unhenpecked husbands. The line to the door leading to Heaven for henpecked husbands was five abreast and five miles long. The line leading to the door to Heaven for unhenpecked husbands consisted of only one lonely man.
The guys from the henpecked husband line looked at the one man in the unhenpecked husband line and shout, “Hey, Charlie, why are you standing over there for?” Charlie glances over his shoulder and observes a sea of humanity of henpecked husbands as far as the eye can see and says grudgingly, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”
