Mile jokes
You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.
Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
A black lady goes inside the drug store on Eight Mile Road in the city of Detroit, Michigan, and asks the pharmacist, "I would like to buy a box of tampons."
And then the black lady is asked by the pharmacist, "Do you want to buy the box of mini pads, or do you want to buy the box of maxi pads?"
And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"
And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"
And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."
"Jump in the Cadillac, girl, let's put some miles on it."
I called my dog 5 miles.
Today, I fawn over my miles.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Your mom is so fat the space shuttle can see her from 10,000 miles away.
What is the difference between a brown bear and a polar bear?
About a few thousand miles.
What do you call Miles Morales Spider-Man from Europe?
Kilometers Morales.
What's black and red and goes 90 miles an hour? A baby in a blender!
Why were Helen Keller's hands crippled?
From reading stop signs at fifty miles per hour.
Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.
I smell ice a mile. Titanic, I want to iceberg.
Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.
In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.
The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.
The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.
What’s red and goes 90 miles an hour?
When your grades get mailed to your house when you expect to get them in school.
When you get home, your mom is there with the belt, going 1k miles per hour.
If I measured your forehead, it would be 100,000,000,000,000,000 miles long.