Medicine jokes
What's harder than taking a shit?
Trying to take a shit while constipated!
Symptoms of Schizophrenia
The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:
Delusions
Hallucinations
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.
Diarrhea.
My brackets are so high on my teeth, they must be smoking something.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"
Jimmy: "That's great!"
Doctor: "A horse with cancer."
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
The cabinet had sleeping pills.
Cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already at stage four!
I used to be a doctor, until a girl came in to get a kidney transplant, but I had to give her anal resizing surgery first.
Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.
Time heals all wounds.
Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?
Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"
Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"
What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?
A chill pill.