ME jokes

We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.

If she’s old enough to smoke, She’s old enough to choke.

If she’s old enough to pee, She’s old enough for me.

Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"

I have a brother and he told me this quote, "No wonder they had a second child, they messed up on the first one." He’s the second child... I’m the first...

Me and my cancer

Are like a game of Fortnite.

I’ll never win.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

Moxxie: ThEy CaLlEd Me A pOsSuM!! i'M nOt A pOsSuM!!

What is it called when an orphan is having a family reunion?

Me time.

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Orange you glad to see me?

Lil Johnny looked a lil bonny, but then when he saw Tommy, he decided to bomb me.

Hey guys, I’m back, just wondering if anyone is still on this that wants me to make more.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become. On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again. “Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

I saw a kid on the curb while I was on a walk, and he was in baggy clothes, and I said, "Are you an orphan?" He said, "Yeah." And the orphan said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Ur parents."

What did John Cena say to the blind kid? "You can't see me."

So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"

So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."

What's similar between a pregnant 14 y/o girl and the foetus inside of her?

They both are thinking "My mom's gonna kill me!"